Cole Arthur Riley, from Black Liturgies

Letter VIII | To Lonely Foragers

I’m writing to you as one who used to lie about having friends on the playground. As one who bent her voice an octave higher so people would think her more charming than sullen. I’m writing to you as the one who was too afraid to leave. Who stayed because the distance to the door was too great without someone to be held by. At the core of me, and I suspect humanity, is a hunger to belong. Or at least the defiant sting of never belonging. You know this haunt, but I wonder if you’ve been able to become honest about it.

There is something inherently vulnerable about saying you want to belong. For, to name you are lonely, and then be met with nothing, only doubles the loneliness. It is much easier to construct illusions around your “independence” and solitariness. To admit your desire to be known would mean acknowledging the shame asleep in you that says you aren’t worth knowing–the doubt that says they cannot be trusted to love you.

I’m beginning to think alienation and rejection are the two great persuaders of our own unloveliness. The cunning will wield them against you so that you acquiesce to the systems of a community in order to retain membership in it. Perhaps you know what it’s like to need to believe a certain doctrine or creed so that you can belong in a spiritual space, or to vote a certain way to belong at the dinner table. When someone places your very belonging at stake, they are prodding an ancient wound. Not all belonging is salve.

For you, I want more. I want friendship, romance, family. I want a community that will not destroy you. I want belonging that isn’t always at risk, that isn’t always being threatened. For you, I want the sense of self required to walk away, to forage for solid bonds. To be known is not frivolous; it is survival. You will not survive by self-care and self-love alone. Who will hold you? Who will remember you? You, who are something to behold. You, who are flawed and mysterious and needy and good.

Belonging is not too great an ask. Find your sacred company. And may they find and cherish you.

With you,

C